Stuck in Forks

I slept so poorly the night before I had a dreamless night. But it was a bright and sunny day when I woke up. The second since my arrival to Forks. The welcoming sunshine was as inviting as a day could get. I peered through the window and gazed at the nearly cloudless sky. The few clouds that painted the sky were white and fluffy, impossible to carry rain. When I opened the window I was shocked that it didn’t creak. I’m pretty sure it hasn’t been opened in years. I sucked in the warm air that quickly lifted my spirits. It was relatively dry and hardly windy, it was almost perfect but as perfect weather can ever be in Forks, WA. When I got downstairs Charlie was finishing his breakfast, he picked up on my mood immediately.

“Nice day out.” he said.
“Yes.” I agreed with a cheerful grin.

His brown eyes crinkled around the edges as he smiled. Most of the young romantic he’d been faded before I’d known him. His curly brown hair, the same color and texture as mine, had dwindled to reveal more of his shiny forehead. But when Charlie smiled, I could see a little of the man who had run away with my mother when she was 2 years older than I am now.

I ate my breakfast cheerily, Charlie called out a goodbye, I heard the cruiser pull out, I finished up in the kitchen, and hesitated to grab my rain jacket. Leaving it would be a mistake waiting to happen so I grabbed it and left the house. I didn’t bother looking at the time before I left but I guess it was early since I was of the first in school. The parking lot was pretty empty. I walked over to the rarely used picnic benches by the south side of the cafeteria. I used my jacket to sit on the damp bench. I was glad I had a use for it. I started to check on my Trig homework. There were a few problems I wasn’t quite sure of. Halfway through re-checking the problems I started to drift into a daydream. Without noticing what I was doing, I had drawn 5 pairs of dark eyes staring at me from my paper. I quickly erased them. I heard someone call me and guessed it would be Mike. The time I spent in my daydream was time enough for the school to get crowded with fellow students. The temperature couldn’t be over sixty and everyone was wearing T-shirts, a few brave souls like Mike were in shorts. He walked up to me waving his hand. I waved back and called out to him. It was impossible for me to fake a gloomy attitude with the sun shining so brightly. He sat next to me with a grin stretched across his face. I could tell he was delighted to see me.

“I never noticed before, your hair has red in it.” he mentioned while holding a loose strand of my hair in the light breeze.
“Only in the sun.” I replied as he tucked away the strand behind my ear. The gesture made me feel a little uneasy but I let it pass.
“Great day, isn’t it?”
“My kind of day.” I agreed.
“What did you do yesterday?”
“Mostly work on my essay.”
He hit his forehead. “Oh yeah, that’s due Thursday, right?”
“Umm, Wednesday I think.”
“Wednesday? That’s not good. What are you writing yours on?”
“Whether Shakespeare’s treatment of the female characters is misogynistic.”
He stared at me dumbfoundedly.

He said he would work on it tonight and that he was going to ask me out to dinner. I was shocked. Why can’t I have a conversation with Mike Newton without it getting awkward? For some reason I thought of Edward at that moment. I’m sure Mike did too but with contempt. I told him it wouldn’t be a good idea because it would hurt Jessica’s feelings. I threatened him to not repeat what I just confessed to him. At first he didn’t get it and then I asked him if he was blind. Anyone can tell she has a crush on Mike. He looked thoughtful and I used that moment to make my escape. I stuffed my books into my bag and we walked to building three in silence. I didn’t want to be late again and I hoped Mike would do the right thing.

When I saw Jessica in Trig she was ecstatic. She wanted me to go with her and Lauren and Angela to Port Angeles. They wanted to go dress shopping and Jess wanted me to tag along. I’m not much of a fan for shopping but I needed a girls night. Of course, the thought of Lauren also being in the group made me have second thoughts so I was indecisive. I told her I had to check with Charlie first. Jessica talked of nothing but the dance all through Trig and Spanish. When we got to the Cafeteria I was on high alert. I felt desperate to see the Cullens with my new found suspicions. I glanced at their usual table but it was empty. I had hope that I would spot Edward waiting for me at a table but alas, he was absent too. I even stopped pretending to listen to Jessica. Our usual table was almost full. We were five minutes late. I skipped the empty seat by Mike and favored the one next to Angela. Mike held out the chair for Jessica and her face lit up in response. I was glad. Angela asked me a few questions about the Macbeth paper and I answered as naturally as I could when I felt like I was falling into a pit of despair. She invited me to go with them to Port Angeles and I couldn’t say no to Angela. I would need a distraction. When I entered Biology I felt a new wave of disappointment. His seat was empty. The rest of the day flickered by. When I got to my last class I was relieved and horrified. Relieved because we got to sit and attend a lecture. Horrified because our next sport is Badminton. I foresee new injuries to my team and quite possibly myself.

I was glad to leave school. I thought I had something to look forward to but the moment I walked into the house, Jessica called to cancel our plans for tonight. Mike had asked her out for dinner. I tried my best to sound supportive but I don’t think I fooled anyone. I was too upset to be left alone with my thoughts. She rescheduled our shopping trip for tomorrow night. My night looked bleak. There was nothing to prepare for dinner since I already had fish marinating in the fridge. I forced myself to concentrate on my homework until I was done with that too. I checked my e-mail and wrote back to antsy Renée. I tried not to write many excuses for my virtual silence. But I wrote about today’s unexpected sunshine and I’m sure she’ll be happy about that. I liked the idea of soaking up the sun that I grabbed my Jane Austen Collection, a quilt, and headed out to the backyard. I folded the quilt in half and laid it on the grass. I started to read a few pages from the book but got angry that the male characters’ name reminded me too much of Edward Cullen. Edward, Edmund, etc. Were there no other names to choose from in that era? Like Victor or Raoul. I rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes. Next thing I knew I could hear Charlie’s cruiser pulling in. The sun was gone and the quilt was damp. I hurried into the house. I put some oil to heat up on the stove, realizing that dinner would be late. Charlie was hanging his gun belt as I apologized for dinner not being ready. I explained that I fell asleep outside. He told me not to worry, he was going to catch a score on TV. I sat with him after dinner. He knows I don’t like watching sports so he changed the channel to a mindless sitcom neither of us were enjoying. But we were happily sharing a family moment. During commercials I told him about the trip to Port Angeles with the girls.

“Jessica and Angela are going to look at dresses for the dance tomorrow night in Port Angeles and they wanted me to help them choose. Do you mind if I go with them?”
“Jessica Stanley?” he asked.
“And Angela Weber.” I added.
“But you’re not going to the dance right?” He was confused.
“No Dad. But I’m helping them find dresses. You know, giving them constructive criticism.” I wouldn’t need to explain this to a woman.
“Well, okay. It’s a school night though.”
“We’ll leave right after school so we can get back early. You’ll be okay for dinner, right?”
“Bells, I fed myself for 17 years before you got here.” he reminded me.
“I don’t know how you survived.” I muttered.

I worry for Charlie. I told him I would leave some things in the fridge for him to make sandwiches. I really don’t know who’s a worse cook. Charlie or Renée.

After my research, I had to leave the house to think but there really aren’t many choice getaways in Forks. Anywhere I’d like to go requires at least a three day drive. So I crossed Charlie’s lawn towards the encroaching forest. I found myself walking down a forest path surrounded by different types of trees. Some of them I recognized easily thanks to Charlie pointing them out to me on several occassions but I’m no biologist so I don’t care, just as long as they’re not poisonous. Drops fell every few steps I took, at first I assume it was leftover water on the forest canopy but after a while the drops fell more rhythmically.

I found a recently fallen tree resting against a tree trunk, creating a sort of natural bench. I sat there to comtemplate. Anger and anguish drove me deep into the forest. My utter embarassment over the morning’s findings seemed less ridiculous in the green surroundings. The forest hasn’t changed much in thousands of years. The likeliness of mythical beings seems almost credible in the woods. But could Jacob’s story about the Cullens be true? My mind responds in negative. There is no rational explanation as to how I’m alive at this moment. Even as I go through all my observations over and over again in my head, I know that Edward isn’t human, he can’t be. Even if it is true that he’s a vampire, what am I going to do? I can’t share the secret with anyone or I’ll be commited to an asylum somewhere. I could take his advice and avoid him entirely but just thinking it seems like an impossibility. The only option left is to accept the facts and carry on with myself. Although he gave fair warning that he’s dangerous, he doesn’t seem sinister. Even in my dream I didn’t fear him for what he is, sharp teeth and everything. What might happen to him if the wolf hurt him weighed more than facing the vampire in him. His nature may be bloody but something in Jacob’s story makes sense, the Cullens claimed to be different. They hunt animals. Surely Edward can’t be the villain. He saved my life almost like it was second nature to him to protect humans. My resolve in the forest was less thorough but more contemplative. Looking back I’m quite pleased with myself. I also should never walk in so deep into the forest though; when I was walking back to the house I thought I was going the wrong way. I ran until I saw a clearing. I freaked out a bit but the crisis was over soon enough. As soon as I heard a car drive by and then saw the house, I relaxed and changed into more comfortable clothes. My jacket and jeans got wet from the rain but that’s such a normal thing here that I digress.

I worked on a paper I have due on Wednesday about Macbeth. I finished before 8 and Charlie arrived with fish. I made a mental note to find a recipe book in Seattle for cooking with fish. I can’t fry it all the time, it’s not healthy. The trip with Edward still gives me the chills but not the scary kind, it’s anxiousness. The walk with Jacob hasn’t made a difference in me. I can’t force myself to feel the right kind of reaction when it comes to Edward. Making decisions are hard for me but once I commit to it, I stick with the plan even if it causes despair. My decision to stay in Forks was better than wrestling with the alternatives. It’s becoming dangerously easy to keep my decisions. Now that I’ve banished my fear and ignorance, I don’t think I’ll have the same nightmare tonight.