After my research, I had to leave the house to think but there really aren’t many choice getaways in Forks. Anywhere I’d like to go requires at least a three day drive. So I crossed Charlie’s lawn towards the encroaching forest. I found myself walking down a forest path surrounded by different types of trees. Some of them I recognized easily thanks to Charlie pointing them out to me on several occassions but I’m no biologist so I don’t care, just as long as they’re not poisonous. Drops fell every few steps I took, at first I assume it was leftover water on the forest canopy but after a while the drops fell more rhythmically.
I found a recently fallen tree resting against a tree trunk, creating a sort of natural bench. I sat there to comtemplate. Anger and anguish drove me deep into the forest. My utter embarassment over the morning’s findings seemed less ridiculous in the green surroundings. The forest hasn’t changed much in thousands of years. The likeliness of mythical beings seems almost credible in the woods. But could Jacob’s story about the Cullens be true? My mind responds in negative. There is no rational explanation as to how I’m alive at this moment. Even as I go through all my observations over and over again in my head, I know that Edward isn’t human, he can’t be. Even if it is true that he’s a vampire, what am I going to do? I can’t share the secret with anyone or I’ll be commited to an asylum somewhere. I could take his advice and avoid him entirely but just thinking it seems like an impossibility. The only option left is to accept the facts and carry on with myself. Although he gave fair warning that he’s dangerous, he doesn’t seem sinister. Even in my dream I didn’t fear him for what he is, sharp teeth and everything. What might happen to him if the wolf hurt him weighed more than facing the vampire in him. His nature may be bloody but something in Jacob’s story makes sense, the Cullens claimed to be different. They hunt animals. Surely Edward can’t be the villain. He saved my life almost like it was second nature to him to protect humans. My resolve in the forest was less thorough but more contemplative. Looking back I’m quite pleased with myself. I also should never walk in so deep into the forest though; when I was walking back to the house I thought I was going the wrong way. I ran until I saw a clearing. I freaked out a bit but the crisis was over soon enough. As soon as I heard a car drive by and then saw the house, I relaxed and changed into more comfortable clothes. My jacket and jeans got wet from the rain but that’s such a normal thing here that I digress.
I worked on a paper I have due on Wednesday about Macbeth. I finished before 8 and Charlie arrived with fish. I made a mental note to find a recipe book in Seattle for cooking with fish. I can’t fry it all the time, it’s not healthy. The trip with Edward still gives me the chills but not the scary kind, it’s anxiousness. The walk with Jacob hasn’t made a difference in me. I can’t force myself to feel the right kind of reaction when it comes to Edward. Making decisions are hard for me but once I commit to it, I stick with the plan even if it causes despair. My decision to stay in Forks was better than wrestling with the alternatives. It’s becoming dangerously easy to keep my decisions. Now that I’ve banished my fear and ignorance, I don’t think I’ll have the same nightmare tonight.